


Open Enrollment

by Kathar



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Paperwork, everyone wants Melinda Mays, getting to know SHIELD, hypothetical future sex pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 21:36:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/997025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kathar/pseuds/Kathar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>There's nothing particularly funny about sex pollen," Jemma said, although there really, really was. "It took out an entire base in Cuzco, back in '05. Or so I'm told."</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Because SHIELD’s HR department is really alarmingly thorough, as Skye is about to find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Open Enrollment

**Author's Note:**

> Because it had to be done.  
> Thanks to beta J, as always. Special thanks to [faelaverte](http://archiveofourown.org/users/faeleverte/pseuds/faeleverte) for pinch-betaing amazingness when I badly needed it.

"What the actual fuck?" 

Skye scattered paperwork all over the place as she stood. "Alright, guys, I know it's fun hazing the new girl; you can pretend to be the head cheerleader and send me a note in class next. But this?" She shook a form vehemently and addressed the room at large.

The room at large didn't respond, and no one else was present in it to provide commentary, so Skye's frustration went largely unappreciated. 

The paperwork in question was a new consultant packet, designed to provide limited benefits and membership in SHIELD. She'd scanned and promptly discarded the "Welcome to SHIELD" booklet, complete with photos from iStock of a deliberately diverse selection of nonentities smiling in generic boardroom settings. The various contact and identification sections she'd largely ignored. 

It had been simultaneously disappointing and intriguing to find that there was an actual box to check at the beginning for "choose not to disclose identifying particulars" and Skye wondered vaguely how often that box was utilized. ( _Utilized?_ Fuck. The bureaucratese was starting to get to her.) But this last selection of forms, she'd been informed via post-it, was mandatory. And SHIELD was _so much_ more fucking messed up than she'd realized if this was for real.

She gathered her paperwork in a pile and went to find someone to rant to-- preferably Coulson. He didn't appreciate a good rant as much as Ward did (well, Ward didn't appreciate a good rant, but she appreciated watching him try to sidle away) but he was a lot better at actually doing something about things.

Except, of course, these things had come from him.

Could he be hazing her? Stranger things had happened. 

Maybe it was May. There were clearly hidden depths beneath that casually badass exterior, and Skye suspected that a really twisted sense of humor probably formed one of the substrata. Maybe May was hazing her and Coulson was just standing around with his tiny grin and letting her because maybe SHIELD was one of _those_ kinds of agencies and she really didn't want to know what happened in the executive board rooms.

Simmons.

Girl to girl, Simmons would let her know.

___

 

Jemma Simmons had been elbow-deep in sludge all night, but it had refused to cooperate, despite her pleas, threats, and bribes.

In retrospect, perhaps she didn't know what to bribe slime molds with. The dwarf bots always liked a little sweet oil just behind the rivets, and you could usually get them to straighten up if you used a sticker chart. Slime molds had little use for stickers, and sweet oil had been a drastically bad idea-- in retrospect.

She'd just washed her hands of the whole affair (and arms, and the little wet spots on her jacket) and sat down at her bench to contemplate Really Quite Serious Affairs when Skye burst upon her.

"!!!" Skye said, waving a wodge of paper in her face, eyes bulging as she attempted to mouth words. Jemma recognized the symptoms from when Fitz had them, and she fished a mug out from under some of his circuit boards, filled it from the kettle on their hot plate, and held it out to Skye. It was stared at with some bogglement, until Jemma patiently tugged the papers free and pressed the mug into Skye's suddenly grasping hand.

She turned away to read the papers, only mildly distracted when Skye did a spit-take behind her.

"That is not coffee," Skye rasped.

"Likely not," Jemma said. "But if I were you I wouldn't ask any more questions about it."

"Why not?"

"Most people seem a bit put off by the answers. Aw, you know, you could just _ask_ , I'm not threatening. Flattered, even. I just... I was kind of actually hoping-- can I get back to you?"

"What?" Skye stopped in the middle of tossing packets off a nearby cart, to blink at her. She set the coffee mug down as she did so. Jemma realized she'd probably been a bit less than coherent-- or maybe thoughtless, oh my, Fitz was always telling her she was being thoughtless, which was absolutely rich coming from a man who used to try to do sonic weaponry testing in the lab just while someone had some very _delicate_ cultures going into the centrifuge and clean-up on that had been a bit of a mess and she was never going to be able to listen to Phillip Glass again, _not that she had ever willingly done so._

Right. Thoughtless.

"I'm sorry," she tried again. "That came out wrong. It's just that... I kind of need to reserve a space for Fitz, because we've been buddies a long time, and I really kind of wanted to, well... I wanted to _just check_ even though I'm sure she's got Coulson down already, but spot two's open and, well, wouldn't you? I mean, _you_ saw what she can do with those thighs."

Skye was staring at her, and this time Jemma was pretty sure it had more to do with Skye than with anything she'd said. Because, well. Perhaps she hadn't phrased it at all well, but the sentiment had to be clear enough, and she'd known Skye long enough (it took remarkably little time to figure this one out) to realize she wasn't going to judge. And anyway-- _wouldn't you_?

"Okay, let's start over," Skye said, very carefully. As careful as Jemma always was with her little pipettes of scorpion venom. "Because I think I am looking at a set of questions that ask me _who I want to have sex with in the event of 'biological, chemical, or thaumaturgical compromise by a stimulating agent'_ and I would really appreciate it, I mean, like bffs appreciate it, if you could tell me this is a joke."

"There's nothing particularly funny about sex pollen," Jemma said, although there really, really was. "It took out an entire base in Cuzco, back in '05. Or so I'm told."

"Jemma," Skye said, "Girlfriend... please don't do this to me. This is a joke. This is just... this is something you do to n00bs, I get it, I do." Jemma was startled to discover she could _hear_ the zeros in Skye's pronunciation, and badly wanted to ask how she did that. It didn't seem like the time, and instead she pulled her own sheaf of papers out from under the spare tongs in her top drawer. Skye looked down at them and sighed.

"It's not a joke."

"It's just standard. Everyone fills them out; especially in the labs. Fitz and I have been ICOAA partners for years. See." She pointed to his name on line one of her form. 

"You, uh, you all fill these out?" Skye said. "Like, you already have them? Then why fill it out again?"

"Oh, it's a standard part of the open enrollment period. Any changes to your beneficiaries, level of insurance (in the US), pension options, allergies, death, dismemberment, or bodily transformation coverage, In Case Of Accidental Arousal forms. Or you can amend in case of life changes, you know: births, deaths, marriages, divorces, big job changes. HR likes to have everyone on a team fill them out again, because it's best if you keep these things inside the group. Think how simple you'd look if your chosen ICOAA partners were half a country away when you were exposed."

"So, but... what if you're married?" Jemma looked at her, then down at her hand and back up. Skye blushed. "I'm not. But what if someone was?"

"There's a standard established relationship clause; it trumps your ICOAA list if the partner is in the vicinity. You still need to have back-ups; and that's assuming your partner even has clearance to know you work for SHIELD. Or your team has clearance to know about your partner. And then, of course, it can make things awkward when you think you have everyone paired off and then up pops the wife and someone's odd man out. That's why there's that little ticky box on the bottom, the one about being open to multi-partner pairings. I highly recommend checking it." Skye wasn't really listening as Jemma babbled, but that was hardly a first or anything. It seemed to settle Fitz, in times of crisis, to have the background static of her chirping, so she was used to it. It wasn't precisely _settling_ Skye, but it did appear to be giving her processing time.

"So I have to find someone willing to be my... pollen buddy," Skye drew the words out, staring down at the papers with a look on her face that Jemma had seen on other people first encountering her _microsporidia_ collection.

"Welcome to SHIELD," Agent Coulson said behind her, "the health benefits are great though." 

"See," Skye turned on him, "this is why we need single payer already. Then I would be able to get fair health care _not_ through my kind-of employer who requires sex pollen buddies. Seriously, Coulson? We seriously do this? How often does this actually _happen_?" Coulson shrugged, and Jemma watched him closely.

"I've experienced it once or twice. It tends to be more common in R&D." He tilted his head at Jemma.

"Fitz and I have been lucky;" she said. "Not above once every year and a half or so. Our lab had the best record in SHIELD." Skye was splitting her stares between them, but it did appear to have finally sunken all the way in, and Jemma was mostly glad until she remembered what had started the conversation.

"You haven't picked anyone out yet," she said to Skye. "Oh, dear, that's a novice mistake. I remember my first time around I was too nervous to ask anyone about it, and I got stuck with the worst swot in our training class. I absolutely _prayed_ that nothing would happen until after open enrollment."

"Did it?" Coulson asked, by all appearances quite sincerely interested.

"No, but by then Fitz and I had _stuck_ , and I didn't bother to change it." She sighed. "It's nice to not have to think about one of your spots, I guess, and we certainly get along perfectly well. It just gets... _expected_ after a while, I suppose. I'd just like-- well. I don't know if she has a slot left. I'm sure you have Agent May, sir?" she asked Coulson.

"Me?" Coulson shook his head, and she wasn't sure if he was smirking or being self-deprecating or quite what was going on with his face. Fitz had already started running the emotion recognition algorithms on the footage they had of him so far, but his tells were miniscule, for someone who appeared so very open. Fitz was having fits. He liked having them, so she never stopped him, but she could have used the translator dwarf now. 

"No," Coulson continued, "We both left it too late. I'm told I shouldn't have assumed. Melinda's already signed up for Ward. And Fitz." Oh, _chagrin_ , that was the look on his face and-- wait.

" _Fitz_?" Jemma cried. Her voice was drowned out by Skye's shriek of 

" _Ward_?" 

"She said she didn't want him to feel like nobody wanted him, and so she signed up. Ward's off the table."

"Oh, so you have his other spot?" Jemma asked. Skye made a face at her, and Coulson caught it, raising one eyebrow.

"No, actually. I'm not allowed. They made a nice, neat triangle of it, the three of them. I hope they all checked the multi-partner box."

" _Fitz_?" Jemma cried again, because that dirty little Celt how dare he just break their deal without telling her first, and here she was reminiscing to their _superior officer_ and Skye about it and _ugh_.

"That's why you came down here," Skye accused him, and he had the grace to shrug. 

"Afraid so. If it's going to be a problem, we can, well... I'm sure if I presented it to Melinda the right way...."

"She's mad at you for something, isn't she? What was it Ward said? For dragging her back into the field?"

"A little. She's a little-- it'll pass. But. Right now things are... awkward." Oh he looked seriously sweet when he thinned his lips that way. Jemma considered. While she did, Skye shrugged, she _shrugged_ and then she absolutely _grinned and winked_ at him.

"No problems here, FL, if you don't have 'em. I'll just trust you not to get us infected. And I guess we check that multi-partner box, too." The look he turned on her was serious.

"Skye, I'm not going to drag you into something you're uncomfortable with."

"Oh, hello, here I am on a mobile command... bus, whatever... somewhere over some desert working for a _secret global intelligence agency with no oversight._ "

"Oh, we have oversight, all right."

"FINE. With _dubious oversight_ \--"

"Excellent word choice."

"It does _not_ comfort me that you said that. With _dubious oversight_ and... where was I?"

"I think you were going to end with 'why stop now'."

"Right. Precisely. Why stop now? No--" she held up her hand as Coulson went to answer. "look, you've taken a chance on me more than once. I figure I can trust you far enough to do this. I've done stupider things." And she put his name down on her sheet. Coulson didn't move for a long moment, curved forward on Jemma's bench, his elbows bearing his weight. Jemma was torn between watching him and watching Skye, who was staring him down. It wasn't a particularly friendly or unfriendly stare, or really categorizable at all and she was going to tell Fitz that maybe they needed to re-prioritize that translator dwarf at a higher level because _seriously_ now she had no idea what was going on all of a sudden. It didn't seem like sex, she knew sex, everyone thought she didn't know sex but she _knew_ it, okay, she could figure out who wanted whom within five minutes of seeing them together, she was _great_ at sex as long as it wasn't sex she was having or people who might be interested in her, which she was told was a non-zero set but she'd never seen evidence somehow and... oh, Coulson was moving.

"Okay," he said, perfectly polite and chipper even.

And then both of them were turning to her.

"I'm good if you're good, girlfriend," Skye told her, winking this huge feathery wink. Jemma considered. "C'mon, some people would find the offer _flattering._ "

"Oh, well, yes, certainly. I mean, I don't object." Jemma was blushing. Why was she blushing? Huh, well mark that down on the list to think about later, because um, there was still some unfinished business and he wore very nice suits and didn't snap at her as often as past bosses had and seriously, that one time had been kind of hot and he was fit but he wasn't... well, these things happen. She scratched off Fitz's name on her form, added Skye's, and then opened her mouth to say "Well, that's you and me left, boss," when Fitz walked in and she forgot about that, choosing instead to point at him and hiss

" _You dumped me as your pollen buddy_." Fitz stared at her, eyes wide, then glanced from her to Coulson, to Skye, and back again.

He gulped.

She was, belatedly, profoundly grateful for Coulson's poker face and the way Skye turned away, just briefly.

"I didn't... you didn't say anything." Fitz squawked.

"And you assumed what you wanted to! How long have we been pollen buddies, Fitz? How long? You could have told me you were going after Ward!" 

"Look, Agent May was just there when I was, um, asking Ward, and she seemed to really want to get things all pinned down, and she asked, and I mean, that's _really_ flattering, Jemma, come on. And I'm not sure how you're supposed to say no to the Cavalry." Fitz soldiered on gamely for a while, but ground to a halt in the face of what she was sure must be the hurt written all over her. Coulson and Skye had both turned blank looks on him, and they had her back, her pollen buddies. She could tell they did. It was cockle-warming. Or something. Fitz was still nattering on and... what?

"What?" she said.

"I said, we could swap if you want to," he looked down. “I mean, for Agent May?”

“Fine.” Jemma narrowed her eyes at him. “Fine. _I’ll_ take Agent May.” She could feel a hysterical, perhaps somewhat _maniacal_ laugh bubbling up inside her. Fitz blinked, opened his mouth like a fish, and shut it. _That’s right, sir, perhaps I don’t want you as a partner if you’re going to be like_ this _about it_.

"Only if Agent May agrees," Coulson put in, the tiniest hint of a threat-- maybe a micrometer across-- in his voice.

"Yeah, of course," Fitz said, clearly considering his options. And oh _dear_ , Fitz was really carefully _not_ looking at Skye, wasn't he? So carefully that he couldn't have been more bloody obvious if he'd tried. Well. Maybe a bit more obvious. Jemma looked over at Coulson, and he looked at her, a tiny little quirk to his mouth that she did _not_ need emotion recognition dwarf bots to read thank you very much. Nor even two Ph.D.s.

"Done then," she said, slowly, drawing it out until Fitz was looking her in the eye. "Shake." He shook.

"Well, that's settled," Coulson said cheerfully, and rubbed his hands together. "That was kind of you, Fitz." Fitz had been attempting to say something to Skye, now he looked abruptly back at Coulson. Which was good, because Skye's poker face was _gone_ , and she was practically twinkling. 

"Well, yes, thank you, sir," Fitz told him. Coulson looked him up and down. Well, _looked_ him up and down. Well, _ate him up_ for a moment really, then slowly drew out his own form and tapped it, right where Jemma had been about to sign it earlier. Fitz Got It then.

"Ah," he said. "Ah, um, well. Yes. Er. Sir." He signed his name. Emphatically. Jemma turned away to keep from laughing, but oh, Skye was twinkling at her right now and it wasn't going to work. 

"Agent Simmons, I think you'd best go find Agent May and explain," Coulson said to her, and she did not wait to be asked twice. _Agent May_. She'd _known_ this was going to be a good team. She did mouth a _thank you_ at Coulson as she went.  
___

"Is Agent May going to be okay with that?" Skye asked, after Fitz had followed Jemma out the door, leaving her and Coulson alone in their lab. 

"She'll be fine," he said, offhand. "And she'll say no if she's not."

“She wasn’t really planning on threesomes though, was she? She wanted to force a swap. See if she could get something from you.” Coulson hummed his tiny little hum.

“I wouldn’t put it past her, but neither would I put a threesome past her. She always has her own agenda, Skye. It never pays to think of her as _just_ the Cavalry.”

"Behind that badass exterior beats a mind and heart of pure sneak, is what you’re saying. So never mind her, is _Fitz_ going to be okay with all this?"

"One wonders. He's ranked second, though, so with luck we won't get to that at all."

"Oh. I guess."

"You alright?" he was almost never so direct with her, and Skye took the moment to process all the implications of the question. On the one hand, she'd just signed a piece of paper saying that she was the _first ranked choice_ Agent Coulson was going to seek out if he-- or she-- were ever _accidentally aroused_. Her ICOAA buddy now. Weird and uncomfortable shouldn't even begin to cover it. And, much as she could have inserted some kind of raunchy joke here, she just didn't _want_ to. She didn't really want him, the idea was just kind of funny. 

That was what made her all right with it, really, was that if it happened it wouldn't be in a way that was going to get complicated. _Feelings_ weren't going to get involved, weird crushes and things like that. Just pollen buddies, having each other's... er... backs. Yes. Backs.

"Yeah," she said. "I'm alright, ICOAA buddy.” He let himself laugh a little.

“Is that what they’re calling it these days? When I was a young agent, it was ‘Truth or Dare’.”

“Okay, the ‘Dare,’ I get, but ‘Truth’?” Skye crossed her arms and leaned back. He was unexpectedly cute when he started to unwind. In an uncle-kind of way. Really.

“‘Dare’ for the sex pollen, ‘Truth’ because your buddy was also the one tasked with getting you quarantined if you’d accidentally been exposed to truth serum. The one you could trust with your secrets.” He didn’t seem very cute or kindly all of a sudden, though she could have sworn he hadn’t changed a hair. Still that almost fatuous little smile on his face.

"Ward still insists you don't have any truth serum, you know," she teased him.

"Of course he does." 

“If you're right, why don't I see anything on here for it?”

“After a while HR realized that sex pollen buddies-- ICOAAs, I mean-- weren’t always the best people to hear all your classified-- and unclassified-- secrets. They never could agree how to change it, though, so as far as I know there are no truth buddies now. Which could mean you either trust no-one with your secret… or potentially your whole team. Well.” He straightened up and slapped his hands on his thighs. “If that’s all, I’m going to go. I have a call or two to make." As he passed her, he tapped her form with the back of his pen.

"On that point, you might want to think about checking that 'multiple partners' box anyway. Just in case."

And he was gone.

Fin.


End file.
